Detachment through Discernment
No one tells you early on in sobriety how difficult each day can still be a year and a half later. It’s not like everything is fixed when you quit drinking or doing drugs or when you stop shopping/over spending or binge eating or being a workaholic or co-dependent. I believe Recovery is its own entity beyond drugs and alcohol and even though you have kicked your negative vices to the curb, you still have to get real, dig deep, and feel.
Sitting back and watching and knowing what I know about what I have been through is hard. It’s especially hard when you’re the kind of person like I am. Obsessive. Crazy researcher. Dweller. I can’t get my hands on enough information regarding any and every type of addiction or personality type or different modes of therapy. And it’s interesting to see my vice switch to reading and researching and …social media.
I tend to go on social media binges. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Until next thing I know, hours have passed. Honestly, it doesn’t make me feel good. I chuckle at a few memes while putting myself down because “I’m not as good as..” or (insert eye roll) “Another selfie…”, etc. Our culture is strongly attached to categorizing and comparing.
It’s crazy how the purpose of social media and Facebook was to bring people together, but in all reality has lead to a disconnect. A facade put on and an internal resentment builds or “the ugly” comes out in us. So what can we do to actively stay “in tune” and to not get sucked in to the drama? How can we have a clear perception and have the ability to make clear choices without having to be better or worse than anyone else? How do we accept difference and see similarity?
Our society has become so rigid and set in our ways. We feel like we know all the answers and it’s only MY way that’s right. And then on the flip-side, we don’t want anyones feelings getting hurt because we are afraid of losing. So it’s these two major extremes. This divide.
So herein lies my inner dilemma. Isn’t it supposed to be my job to fix everyone and everything? Because I’ve been through it, right? I think I know it all now? Or is that just my ego talking and I should continue on sharing, reaching out, helping?
I remember being told early on in recovery that I can’t change anybody and that the only thing I can really do is to “live my life by example”. With that advice, I have lost friends and family members. I hear what “he said/she said” and feel the negative energy. I read the comments and let it get to me. It breaks my inner child and my ego just thrives on it. But what I’m learning today is that I STILL need to draw lines and set boundaries… and to let my resentments go.
Watching someone go through something when you know it’s self destructive and you want so bad for them to have freedom and peace is something I hold onto. I truly see the beauty in each and every person. I feel their is innate goodness living in all of our souls. I don’t want you to feel pain and not know what to do with it. I want you to experience the freedom we all deserve.
Which leads me to the big “J” word we all throw around: Judgement.
In my opinion, it is Judgment that leads to Division. I feel like Judgment is your Ego talking. It comes from a position of perceived importance and power. It makes us believe we have the ability to decide what’s good and bad for us…and for them. It comes from a reactive place inside of us and it’s unconscious.
I am so guilty of passing judgement and feel like it’s only natural. I’m human. I didn’t know how to distinguish what I was feeling and seeing vs the truth OR if it was my ego vs reality. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out where to draw the line and to set boundaries. So then what would be a clearer way to tell Good from Bad?
(enters) Discernment or Viveka:
It is to see and speak the truth as it is. It is a more personal and conscious approach. It is to know how to live and act on a daily basis regardless of the actions of others and the state of the world around us. We are able to perceive clearly.
Viveka comes from understanding not only ourselves, but others. That while there are others out there that are more skilled than us at certain things, we still have a whole lot of strengths that need to be acknowledged. A person who is negative and has bad energy is simply not healthy for us. We don’t have to tell people “that’s a bad person”. We know they aren’t good for us and it will become clear to others who have their own experiences.
Viveka brings clarity and true perception while Judgement serves the illusion of our minds. Detachment comes from a place of protection.
We need to realize that most people have their minds made up regardless of what you have been through and it will be on THEIR terms to see another perspective.
Does this type of reaction mean it’s ok? I don’t think it’s ok for me, but I am learning I cannot speak or think for anyone but myself. I can only share my testimonies and be who I am. Those who love me for me will be there and the rest will be weeded out. Most importantly it’s not my job to solve or fix anyone. And herein lies setting boundaries for myself or else the resentment builds inside. I am learning it’s ok to say “No” and that it’s freeing.
So the question becomes, “How do we detach with love and risk losing someone forever? Is this part of it all? Not their lesson, but ours?”
Ask yourself when you get in a Facebook war over politics, “Who’s mind am I really changing? Who is this really effecting?”
Ask yourself when you roll your eyes at someones selfie, if it’s because you don’t have the confidence to share your own? Or is it really something that takes up your feed space? And if so, click “unfollow”.
Ask yourself when you read a vague status, “Is this person ok or should I place them in my heart today?”
Ask yourself, “Am I getting angry over another sales pitch? Or can I simply say, “No, thank you” and move on?”
Ask yourself, “Is social media a way for me to catch up with old friends or a toxic outlet for me?” If so, cut back. Set some boundaries. Delete it.
Ask yourself, “What good can I do today? How can I effectively spend my time on something of value? What do I need to let go of? What will make me happy?”
Because at the end of the day, we just really need to love ourselves. So much to the point that we don’t need to question our energy
when it rejects something that doesn’t know our worth. Let the Universe be our guide and the rest will fall into place. We are strong. We are capable. We are unique. We are courageous. We are learning and we are growing.