Not My Secret Anymore

January 17, 2018

I pulled my heavy winter coat from the hanger.  I hadn’t worn it in awhile.  It’s filled with down feathers and weighs an easy three to five pounds.  I noticed one side of the coat fall to the ground.  It was heavier and unbalanced.  I reached down to examine the pocket.  It was bulging.  Perhaps I had a hat or gloves in there.  And then I froze.

 

It was a mini bottle of Pinot Grigio.  

 

So here I am: 1 year and 4 months sober.  And I am still constantly reminded.  I work around alcohol, family members and friends drink alcohol, social media advertises the shit out of alcohol…I see it everywhere.  I know I can go to the gas station and easily pick up a 4 pack of these mini bottles.  So why the shock?

 

Because I am alone.  

Because maybe this time just one little mini bottle will be ok.  It’s just one. That’s nothing. Because I feel powerful with my little secret.  

Because I am thinking these thoughts.  

Because I am scared.  

Because I don’t remember hiding that there.  

Because I wonder how many more of these little reminders I have to find hidden. 

 

And then I choose to see this as progress….from how low I was to where I am today.

 

I get a chill down my spine.  I laugh.  I grab my camera and take a picture.  I unscrew the lid and walk over to the sink.  I dump it down the drain as I’m shaking my head.  And I walk away a little bit taller.  

 

This is not my secret anymore. That is not my life.

 

 

 

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