I feel the obligation for myself as well as my friends to lay out what has happened. It seems kinda of odd to share with everyone my feelings through facebook. I previously thought that people shared too much on here and that it's just a trap for stalking (I still kinda do), but for some reason this seems necessary for me.
It's funny... my friends came up to the hospital immediately after finding out about Lennox and one of them says, "Do you need me to change your status?"
I said after laughing, "Isn't it pathetic what facebook has done to us? No thanks."
Another situation that got me thinking was when my dad advised Nolan and I to put an obituary in the paper to avoid awkward encounters (the "How's that baby?" question) at the grocery store or wherever else.
I suppose this is my electronic obituary for those of you who don't get the same paper as I do.
I woke up on Thursday morning at 5:30am like I had every other morning for the past few months and I knew something was wrong. I'm used to my little David Beckham going to town in my belly scoring goals and all I felt was an odd calmness. I tried to brush aside my anxiety and remind myself that he was getting bigger and he didn't have as much room. After a few minutes I decided to go downstairs and eat a bowl of cereal as this was sure to get him riled up. It didn't work. I got 3 bottles of water and had them all drank by 9:30am amidst tossing and turning in bed with worry. At that point I decided to call my doctor and see what she thought and to see if I could come in so she could check it out.
Finally at 3pm, after 3 small meals and gallons of water, I heard back from the office. I was told to eat some small meals and drink some water. It was normal for babies to move less because they're growing...
I was now filled with frustration and major anxiety. I insisted on being seen. Because Nolan was in VA for work, I asked my mom to drive me there because I was slowly sinking into numbness.
We arrived and the doc checked for a heartbeat. Nothing. She tried to assure me it was ok it was how he was laying, but as she turned on the ultrasound machine...I knew. Lennox was just laying there with his long yet little frame frozen in place. My doctor's face went from optimistic to blank. She looked at me and through a choked voice said, "I'm sorry."
As I walked up to the maternity ward knowing what was about to happen, I surprisingly lost my voice. My mom got ahold of Nolan and his family. The new hurdle we had to overcome was getting Nolan back in time. I was about to be induced.
Two days later with Nolan by my side I gave birth to Lennox Daniel and the doctor discovered then that my little moving man had wrapped the umbilical cord around his body and arm.
He was absolutely beautiful. He had my nose and lips. Nolan's dark hair and long fingers and toes. He had so much hair. :) He was utter perfection. We hadn't created a baby, we created an angel.
I'm emotionally up and down, but that's obvious. I know everything will be alright and that this incident happened in our lives for a reason. I'm strengthened by the support of you all and we appreciate everyone's reaching hands, open ears, and loving hearts. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. My appreciation and gratitude cannot even be expressed.
"I hold it true whate'er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson